It’s not often that I thrown myself a pity party, but when I do…I do it right! This week I have been a real baby over certain things that mean NOTHING in the grand scheme of life. Everything has annoyed me, disappointed me, or made me rethink my sanity. Now we all have these weeks every once in awhile, but for some reason I have been surprised by my bratty behavior. I have renamed myself, “A POTS mess”, instead of hot mess but only after I was able to laugh at my own ridiculousness. To be clear, I was not laughing at first. There was no humor at all. I probably would never laugh again. I may have even forgotten how to laugh. Laughing was for happy people and I didn’t want to be happy. I wanted to sulk and whine and pout and make ugly faces. I wanted to stomp my feet like my eight year old daughter does when she thinks we haven’t gotten the message of how annoyed she really is, and then I wanted to throw myself on the bed face first. But, I can’t even do that because I can’t lie flat with POTS. Do you see where I am going with this? I’ve been a “POTS Mess”.
But POTS had nothing directly to do with my mini breakdowns. Maybe I should have named this blog entry, “When you think you know the answer, but you’re wrong”. It reminds me of a time when Ellie was about six months old and I wanted a new elliptical. I decided to go by Sears and pick one out and Trey was going to go by after work and pick it up. So, I stroll Ellie into Sears while she was napping and started looking at all the ellipticals. The salesperson, who was very well meaning I am sure, kept talking and talking. I did not want Ellie to wake up and because I have always worked out, I knew I just needed to try the ellipticals out first hand and quickly make my exit. So, finally I just said, “Thanks so much, I will let you know if I need any help. I work out a lot so I’m really just here to choose one and I will be going.” He kindly walked away, but came back quickly to make sure I knew how to operate the machinery. By that point, I was a little annoyed and again reminded him I work out and I’m positive I know how to get on and off an elliptical. I finally found the one I wanted and just as I was stepping down, I twisted my ankle and fell off the elliptical right onto my face barely missing Ellie’s stroller. He came over a third time, but this time it was to help me off of the floor.
I ended up spraining my ankle and could barely walk out of the store. But, I did everything I could to shake it off, and not limp until I got to the car. I was so embarrassed! When my husband went back later to purchase it the salesman said, “Oh yeah, your wife is the one that fell of the elliptical. We have been wondering all day how she is doing.” Translation: We made so much fun of her as soon as she gimped her way out of the store pushing a sleeping baby in a stroller. Maybe she should have taken the help we offered.
I was certain I knew how to do it, and even though it was a clumsy mistake, I learned how easy it is to think I was right and then fall flat on my face…literally…face plant. This week was a similar situation in that I just knew my prayers were going to be answered! I had been praying for months asking the Lord for guidance but honestly thought the answer was crystal clear and it was only a matter of time before I received confirmation. But I didn’t receive confirmation. I actually received a big fat NO. So, upon receiving the news, it would be perfectly normal to be disappointed and need some time to digest the answer. Not me, I immediately started praying again, “Lord how can this be! It’s so unfair! I don’t understand. Why God WHY????” If you are picturing a crazy person, than I am painting the correct picture for you. Did I mention this issue is not a huge deal? I just didn’t get what I wanted.
So, I sat for a second and thought that there must be purpose in this answer even though it makes no sense to me right now. I accepted it for what it was and moved on. Just kidding…I started making phone calls. Yep, I mean what if someone got it wrong? Sure, I had prayed for months but maybe I could find a way to make it work. After making my phone calls, I realized it truly wasn’t going to change so I accepted the answer and moved on. Oh how I wish! Nope, then I started praying again but this time I said, “OH JESUS, if there’s any way to fix this mistake and have things like I want them to be please do so!” Yes, you read that right. I asked Him to change the answer. Then I suddenly started laughing so I had to call my mom. If you’re going to make fun of yourself, you need to have someone to laugh with you. So, I explained how I had trusted Jesus and then didn’t get the answer I wanted. And while trusting Jesus made a few phone calls just incase. And then topped it off with my final prayer of flat out begging for a different answer. I told her I could just see Jesus in heaven shaking His head and laughing saying, “Bless her heart”. Yes, Jesus speaks southern. I won’t go into each ridiculous occurrence this week, but it definitely made me think about how often we pray, “thy will be done”, but really mean, “my will be done”. It is not like I haven’t received disappointing news before. For the past nine months our family has been learning how to function and live with daily illness and yet we know life happens to each of us. We don’t fall apart every time we hear disappointing news. It’s just a part of life.
I truly thought I had fully placed this desire in His hands, but obviously I was still holding onto the answer I wanted. It made me realize that we may not even know our motives when we pray until we receive the answer. That’s the true test. How do we respond to “no, not this time”? I realize we have all prayed with selfish motives at some point in our lives. I know we have all acted like babies when we didn’t get what we wanted. I know we’re human and we make mistakes. But the biggest lesson I am having to RE-learn is that when you place your desires at the foot of the cross, you don’t leave a contingency note with them. Obviously, we should voice our heart and desires to Christ, but we also must trust that He will do what is best for us. And we cannot continue picking things back up from the altar, nor try to manipulate the outcome. He is faithful and we can trust Him even when His answer is, “No”.
Sending much love your way! Especially those who need me to call the wahbulance for them. Just kidding…but seriously.
Psalm 18:20 God made my life compete when I place all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start.