As I write this, I am sitting in a new space, living in a new area, while adjusting to the unknown. Don’t get me wrong, I love it here. But for the past twenty-one years, I have been a stay at home mom(still have a couple of years to go). I was blessed to raise my children in my childhood home. That home holds more memories than I can count. It also became a haven for over sixteen years while battling chronic illness. For years, I saw very little outside those walls. It was such a blessing having that home for my children,while also personally navigating the rough waters of debilitating illness.
This month is Dysautonomia Awareness Month. Every year I try to share a blog post about my journey with Pots. This year, it’s more of an update. A good update! If this is your first time reading my blog, I have many posts explaining what Pots is and how it changed my life. But this year, my life has changed in so many other ways. I cannot express enough my appreciation for those who have prayed for me fervently. All while believing, I would walk in full healing one day. Even when I had moments of disbelief, you stood in the gap, and I am forever grateful. I am not there yet, but I am on my way!
About a year and a half ago I started receiving acupuncture. At the same time, I also began to clean out my home. It had been seven years since the last time I was physically able to do so. I would drop a car full of donations at Options (A battered women’s shelter in Morganton-they do wonderful things there!) and then go to acupuncture. This went on for a year. Cleaning out, acupuncture, and rest. I began seeing improvements in areas that had been stagnant for years. Neurologically, I was able to process more before overstimulation would kick in. This allowed me to begin driving further distances. It also allowed me to slowly increase my activity level. I don’t mean exercising in a gym. But I began cleaning my house (not all of it). I remember sitting at the top of the steps, gasping for air, wondering how I would ever be able to clean the entire house. At first, it would take me three days to clean the entire house (NOT including the bathrooms or deep cleaning the kitchen). But as time passed, I was able to clean more and quicker. I would be sore. But I could do it!
I want to insert here that I knew I could push a little harder. I have been very vocal about Pots and “pushing through”. Pots was the first thing I encountered in my life, I could not just “push through”. When I pushed, it pushed harder. I would become sick for days to weeks depending on how hard I tried. I say this because many are told if they would just do A, B, and C, they would be better. I’m not saying that has never been correct. I am only speaking from my own experience. I had to plan out any activity ahead of time. I am talking about just taking a shower. I then had to make sure I had plenty of recovery time (days or weeks depending on the activity). I quickly learned the lessons of prioritizing and removing toxicity from my life.
So let’s fast forward to now. I have driven for two hours on my own! I have spent the last year and a half cleaning out my home. Then preparing it to sell. I moved about an hour away. My daughter and I took numerous trips back and forth for weeks. It was exhausting! BUT I could do it! My parents came for a weekend to help me choose furniture. They are furniture and color experts. Well, that’s not the exact job title they held. But both are incredible at color and design. I have since added accessories. I found there is such a thing as “shop till you drop”. As well as “retail therapy”.
I naturally began to titrate down on some meds. It wasn’t a struggle.
Recently, I have felt I could lessen a couple more meds. For me, when I begin to feel medicated, I know I don’t need that dosage anymore. So I am currently in that process. This time has looked a bit different than the first time. That is for another blog post. But I will say to anyone doing the same…GO SLOW and make sure your doctor is aware and on board! The same meds that allowed me to function for many years, also have some crazy side effects coming off of them. The brain has to adjust and heal. There will be hard days. You may even think you are crazy (totally not speaking from my own experience 😉). Every journey is different. I would love to say I will be med free one day. But that is not even on my radar screen at the moment. Right now I am listening to my body, working with my doctor, and taking it day by day. That’s it.
If you are reading this and saying, “I wish I could see improvement. I’m stuck. Getting worse and losing hope quickly”…I wrote this for you. You don’t have to be sick to feel hopeless. So many are suffering at the moment. Some don’t know when their next meal will occur. Some have lost everything. Some have lost loved ones. It’s overwhelming! Change can be difficult. But mourning is a completely different beast.
I wish we could understand the “why” immediately. I wish words could express what the deepest parts of our very being are experiencing in these times. We are human. We will not know or understand so many circumstances this side of heaven. But God…He spoke the mountains into existence. He told the sea, “this far and no more”. He created man out of dust. Dust! He sent His only Son to die for our sins. I don’t know about you, but I cannot fathom sacrificing my children. We have a God that is present even when we cannot see it. We have a Savior that loves us so much, He sacrificed Himself before we were even born. And we have the Holy Spirit/ Helper with us every moment of everyday. In our struggles, He is there. In our victories, He is there.
You may be in a new season of life. You may feel like you have been in the wilderness longer than the Israelites. No matter where you are, He has you! He is guiding your steps. Maybe like myself, you are following daily, watching how He has a plan. And although you aren’t privy to all the details, He is constantly shocking you with how personal and precise He really is. There is not a hair on your head that he doesn’t know. Rest in Him. Cry out to Him. Trust Him. He has plans you couldn’t dream of if you tried. In a world of uncertainty and constantly changing circumstances and seasons, there is One who does not change. He is God. And He is with you now.

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