When the pain just won’t go away….

Psalm 51:17 “I learned God worship when my pride was shattered.  Heart-shattered lives ready for love don’t for a moment escape God’s notice.”

Excuse me while I step out of this whirlwind I have suddenly found myself residing.  I feel as though I missed the memo…you know the one that says, “Haha sucker! Try again next time.”  I feel like David in the Psalms where he just puts it all out there!  I mean, he pours his heart out to God as though he was sure he was about to breathe his last breath.  There have been times I have read those words and thought, “That’s a little dramatic and whiny David.  Take it down a notch.”  But not anymore…goodness no!  Oh, I think he could have been more emotional and distressed.  I think his expression of confusion and disorientation are completely valid.  Yes, I do believe I have turned a new corner.  It’s where two roads intersect.  They are called, “What the Heck Lane?” and “Answer is still no Ave.”

What the Heck Lane?

How did I get here?  Sure, I have questioned numerous times on this journey what in the world was going on.  But, that had greatly to do with what was happening inside my body.  I have learned so much about the autonomic system in the past six months that I may possibly receive an honorary Google Doctorate Degree.  So, why have I suddenly been surprised by the tornado, also referred to as POTS?  Well, my questions are not about my disease right now. My sudden confusion is solely based upon a misconception I had in my mind.  You see, I waited all summer for winter to arrive.  The summer heat is one of the greatest enemies for a POTSie. There are numerous reasons for this, but trust me when I say, summer is not my friend.  So naturally if summer is my enemy, than winter should be my friend right?  I envisioned being able to breathe freely, and enjoy the crisp cool air.  Oh winter and I were going to rock it out together.  I wasn’t expecting to be better, but I certainly was anticipating a higher quality of life.  Now please don’t get me wrong this isn’t a Pity Party.  It’s more of a Sulking Soiree, a Grumbling Gala so to speak.  It is here where “What the Heck Lane” intersects with “Answer is still no Ave.”.

Answer is still No Avenue…

Now this is where it gets a little more mucky (so put your boots on).  It’s one thing to find out you were wrong, but it’s a completely different obsticle to accept your setback.  It takes time to process your recent modifications to your journey. These new developments take time to sync your expectations with reality.  It’s certainly not easy nor have I been especially gracious through this process.  At first I kept thinking, “Oh this will pass.  It is just a small bump in the road.”  But as days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months, I am pretty sure it’s time to buckle up and learn from this element of the journey.  If I am being honest each season recently has started exactly the same way!  My expectations not even coming close to actual reality and maybe that is why this time I have taken it a little bit more personal.  Also, I will say physical pain is not for the faint of heart.  I have dealt with pain during this illness, but not to the level I have experienced lately.  It’s a whole new ballgame for me.  And one that I am certainly not fully prepared for.

The Good News…

But wait…wait just a second!  I haven’t been able to handle any of this sickness by my own strength.  I have seen my fragility and vulnerabilities more than I care to admit.  I know that I cannot handle ANY of this without Jesus guiding my steps.  His strength  has been made known in my life by my depletion of personal resources. In fact, Jesus has graciously held my hand and guided every step I have taken.  Why would that change now?  I may not be able to handle these disappointments and setbacks by my own strength, but with certainty I know the One who lives within me.  I know the One who gives me strength when I am exhausted from the journey.  We are equipped to face today, when we tap into the strength of the One who lives in our heart.  Jesus equips us to fight these battles.  He gives us grace in the midst of life’s trials.  He promises to stick closer than a brother, and protect us with His mighty right hand.  I don’t know about you, but I am tapped out!  Thank goodness we can tap into His resources that never run dry.  Just like Psalm 51:17 says, “Heart- shattered lives ready for love don’t for a moment escape God’s notice.”  You are not forgotten, nor have you been forsaken.  God has taken notice of your broken heart and He will wipe every tear from your eye.  He will restore the years the locust have eaten.  His goodness is everlasting.  Our circumstances may change, but our Savior changes not.  He remains faithful.  Live in the strength and grace of Christ Jesus.

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